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Reemerge Beautiful Soul

People can rise up from almost anything. Humans can reemerge from sickness, loss, struggle and even death. I believe I am in a season of life where I am reemerging from what once felt like confusion to what now feels like hope. My soul is anticipating something beautiful to take place in my life. I am no longer drowning in what feels like suffering and misery- and for once in my life, I feel alive.

I kept myself hidden during the last few months of 2015. Secretly, I was in a place of depression and I was afraid to admit it to myself and even to the universe. For most of my life I struggled with depression and it's like a wave of despair that rises up against you and knocks you down. You can't breathe. You're fighting against what feels like a raging storm and every time you try to stand tall on your feet, you feel like you've been defeated when you're back down on your knees and trying to straighten out your spine again.

That's what depression feels like for me. It's like trying to grasp at the sand, just to watch your soul trickle through your fingers and disappear into the thin air, leaving you with nothing to hold onto. Imagine that sand being your joy, your laughter, your happiness, your faith, your patience, your eagerness and expectancy, all running through your fingers and back to the earth, and no matter how hard you try to hold onto it- you're left empty handed with a fist full of air.

Shame is what I felt when I was diagnosed as clinically depressed again. At times I felt as if I had let others down. I am the woman who preaches "your struggles don't define you; they equip you for the journey" yet my struggles were tearing my life apart. I wanted to believe and have the hope and faith that I once had before, but my mind counterattacked every moment that I tried to count as joy. The coming of the new year had me feeling fragile and terrified for what was ahead as I continued my journey into the unknown. No one wants to start off the new year feeling broken and confused about their journey and their trajectory of life. And I surely didn't want to start the year off with a lack of faith and not trusting the path that my feet would follow.

Unsure is what I have settled for for too many years. I have always been unsure about whether or not I have been fully healed from my past and my previous wounds, and trusting myself with my journey has always been difficult. There is no belief in wonder anymore, no reliance on faith, just a continuity of settling for "what ifs" and "maybes" because being grounded in my decision making has always produced anxiety for me for fear of not trusting myself even if I fall.

I believe we all have a moment in time where we come face to face with making that one strong choice, we all have a decision to make when it comes to how we plan on living out our journey. Either we will choose to live with unbelief, or we will choose to have ridiculous faith in what lies ahead of us. When you choose to live in awe and wonder, rather than fear and hopelessness, you have chosen to make that one strong choice that will enable you to get through your days- the good and even the bad ones.

A few weeks ago I found myself slumped over, knocked back down on my knees and feeling depleted of my power. It was in this moment though, that I realized that I was right where I needed to be. Instead of looking at myself as fragile with my spine slightly curved and my face to the ground, I finally saw myself clearly, in a posture of praise and submission to God and the universe for bringing me thus far. I felt a spirit of gratefulness lingering down my vertebrae and I felt the softness of what felt like God's presence resting upon my skin. What I felt was reassurance, what I felt was my soul remerging out of the ashes that it hid beneath for so long, telling me how beautiful I am when I don't allow myself to be hidden. I was reminded that what awaits me is a season full of great fortune and prosperity if I just simply believe that my life is deserving of its best chance.

A chance is what we take on life every single day. There's a possibility that you won't get the outcome that you eagerly seek as you pursue certain things in life like relationships, job opportunities, friendships, or even finding an apartment, but I can guarantee that if you still expose yourself, you still allow yourself to be vulnerable to what you fiercely seek and you put your faith in the little things, so what about the big things like your life, your existence, and your humanity?

Depression is real, but hope is also real, and the beginning of healing will take place in your life when you make striving to live more important than simply existing. You are more than just a vessel. You are life that was breathed into this universe and crafted intricately and delicately. It is your responsibility to cradle your peace and make wholesome living a goal. Walk with patience and touch yourself with kindness, remembering that your journey happens one day at a time.

My healing process requires great patience and a strong belief in radical transformation. There is no overnight cure or quick fixes when it comes to struggling with depression, but having vision and not just sight is what will allow me to get through the days of what may feel like hardship and turmoil.

I'm smiling again. I am eager for what 2016 has to offer and I am patiently waiting the arrival of my best season yet. That feeling of drowning in my sorrows has subsided and I am reemerging gracefully out of the darkness. My soul is at ease, and so is my heart.

Written By,
Minaa B

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