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They Were Pieces of Me

Photo by Natasha Vasiljeva

Self is introspection, which is looking within oneself; there aren’t any instructions on what to do after you’ve looked within. We live in a society consumed with the self. How neatly my hair is fixed and how my makeup looks. How much money does “that self,” make? Or how long have “those selves,” been together? The idea of looking at yourself deeply within and being completely content and being filled with joy can be a challenge. It is a challenge for me sometimes, because I’ve struggled understanding my worth. 
The lack of self-esteem created a false attitude of confidence. I took a very thin layer of what I portrayed as self-respect and projected it as loud as I could for other people to see that I did love myself. How silly, people really struggle with self-confidence, but can they still cheer others on? I found myself looking for pieces of me in other people. In their relationships, I began to compare my own. In their finances, I needed to work harder. In their health, I should’ve already been skinny. In their education, I should’ve already graduated with my bachelor’s. In all of who they were, I wanted most to be confident. I longed so much to just be able to walk in a room completely happy with who I am, not concerned if people noticed me or not. 
2 Timothy 1:7
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
I struggled deeply with self-love and if you don’t love yourself why would you control yourself? I can recall being at the mall with a guy I dated, and two ladies he had a class with approached him having a cordial conversation. As I seen them coming I could sense he was getting ready to stop, but I instantly turned my head as if I didn’t see them and kept walking. In my mind I wasn’t pretty as they were. What if he looks at us and is able to see they’re better than me? These were complete lies! I’ve learned that spirit wasn’t of God. 
God is within us when we accept Jesus as our Savior. Why would He dwell somewhere He didn’t love? This stronghold of lack of self-confidence drove me away from being the best me I could be. Somewhere along the way that part of my heart was broken. I learned, in order for something to be fixed, it has to be broken first, and that is okay. God loves broken people, because their complete being is transformed- I have been transformed.
I no longer care about walking into a room and instantly checking to see how I look. I am completely confidant in who I am. I’ve grown to understand that I will constantly evolve, but one thing that remains the same is God, He is where my hope is stored, not myself! I will fail. I will loose hope. I may even grow old and wrinkly, but the spirit that God gave us is He. He is power! He is love! He is self-control! It isn’t you, I promise it is not by your own strength you weren’t created to do this life alone, but you were created to intertwine this dance of life with Him. Cut yourself some slack and let God be God.
written by, Aunteia Lovett

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