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Learning How To Unfold In Every Season

Growing into adulthood has molded and shaped me into being a woman I never thought I had the potential to be. As a child I was very insecure- being bullied made me feel less than and I evolved into a young woman who had a distorted sense of self.

Learning to understand who "Jessmina" is has been a difficult battle but the journey to self-discovery is a fight that has been worthy of my time. I've become aware of my unhealthy patterns and attachments, and letting go has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do during my unfolding as a woman. Separating yourself from people and things is a process that stings. It feels as if two spirits are being ripped apart. Connections that were once nurtured into existence are now a disturbance to your growth and the only sound and rational decision left to make is to remove these people and things from your circle. But that process is not easy.

This week I took some time out for self-reflection. I am back in a place of learning who Jessmina is and what it is that she wants out of life. I have been separating myself from comfort in order to build my character and within that I am learning how to put myself and my needs first.

I have to love myself first in order to give love. And most importantly, I must show up for myself first if I want to be able to show up for others. I don't want to dance around my truths, I want to unite with them.

At times I get these rare disturbances where I begin to start journeying backwards towards the unhealthy people and things that I cut ties with a long time ago. I get tricked by the lie that my world is small,  that I'm alone and will remain alone, that this cycle of depression is my lifestyle- not just a season, and I get drawn into believing that what I used to have was an example of the good moments and a place in which I was my happiest. It took strength and it took effort to develop an awareness of my unhealthy patterns and I've lost too much, but also gained way too much, to be sharing my energy across realms that aren't suitable for my universe.

I get distracted. We all do. And during the moments where I lose sight of my journey, I also lose sight of how to nurture the existing relationship that I have with myself- which took years for me to form.

Struggling with depression has made it very difficult for me to verbalize my desires. My mind tells me that I am nothing and unworthy of having a voice. I shut myself up often and I keep myself small. I become a people pleaser and I find myself engaging in activities that do not interest me, but I ride along anyway.

I know that it takes time to adjust back to life, and for me life feels disrupted when I am unaware of who Jessmina is and what she is seeking to find when she is out there roaming. What I do know is that my well-being matters to me, and in order to sustain a healthy and balanced mind I must continue to nurture my spirit and tend to what my needs are, even if they make others feel uncomfortable.

You are stuck with yourself until you cease to exist.
From life to death.
From birth to the end of time.
At the root of life is your heart and the branches that extend is the journey of your essence.
Rest does not overcome the soul if the true self is encapsulated underground,
buried amongst the non-living, suffocated, and bound by darkness.
You have the power to live.
You just have to know yourself first.

Written By,
Minaa B

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