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What Remains Unexplained

photo by kristina paukshtite

This article was originally written in January 2016.

I think I'm ready is what I'm telling myself. I think I'm ready to let my heart settle here in this place of what remains unexplained and allow it to travel down the path that leads to the unknown. For months my spirit has felt uneasy due to mental suffering and unforeseen circumstances. I've been tackling life and creating new projects in order to keep my brain stimulated while also learning to stay consistent with my growth process and learning how to heal.

I am healing from depression.
I am healing from trauma.
I am healing from a broken childhood.
I am healing from broken relationships.
I am healing from the death of my father.
I am healing from a loss of a sense of self.

I believe that healing comes in waves as it travels through the distance from the universe to our souls. I must admit though, that sometimes I forget the art of healing. I forget how intricate and detailed the blueprint of restoration can be. I, at times, rush the process and my mind and my body begin to be in conflict with one another. My mind tells me that I should be doing more, I should be believing more, I should be at the finish line. But my body tells me that I need to slow down, that I need to dwell in the power of the here and now and allow myself to enjoy the journey. Life is not a race, there is no time bomb ticking away, there will be no round of applause from the bystanders who have tried to belittle and berate my life. I heal not for others, I heal for myself.

I still have wounds that remain unexplained, such as I'm not sure why I often feel alone, even if I am dwelling amongst a crowd of other beings. I am easily flustered by the word family- maybe it's because I feel lost and invisible in mine. I also struggle with the act of forming close bonds and relationships- I want to blame this on being an introvert, but I believe my isolation stems from a deeper issue that has yet to be resolved. These issues are the reason why healing from the inside out is important to me. I want to know that I am being shaped and formed on the inside first because my mind and my soul will follow me for eternity. The beings that exist around me are not obliged nor mandated to keep in contact with me forever. Connections can dismantle and relationships are allowed to fluctuate–which is why I can't depend on outside sources to mend my brokenness.

I want to be well versed in freeing myself from internal conflicts and speaking over myself with love, generosity, patience and gentleness. Often, I find that we as people fail to realize the punishments that we inflict on ourselves by using an excessive force of the tongue. We misuse our vocabulary and we get caught up in the language of self-hate, disfavor and antipathy. We are too comfortable when it comes to shaming ourselves for our struggles and our conflicts. The fruit of healing comes from a place of self-love and honor. We need to learn how to honor our hearts for enduring the struggles that our flesh has faced and express gratitude to our weaknesses for showing us our strengths.

This season that I have embarked on will be a time of reflection and self-exploration. I want to be awakened spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I want to learn how to identify what my basic needs are and acquire on how they can be met by looking inward. Seek to do the same for yourself as you navigate through space and time, receive and release positive vibrations and welcome healing into your atmosphere.

We are all broken people searching for restoration.

Written By,
Minaa B.

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