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A few days ago I came across a few of my journal entries and I want to share an excerpt with you.
Today, I just can't seem to get out of my own head. My mind has wondered to different hells within the last few hours. I've been thinking, pondering and obsessing of what is yet to come. I'm normally the person who loves change, I seek it and I'm its prey. I love experiencing new seasons and meeting new people. I love being able to embrace change with open arms, but I find that I have moments where my mind begins to taint my vision and I find that what I'm looking forward to sometimes gets blurry by worry and fear.
Fear is my biggest enemy.
As I look back at this moment in time when I was frantic about my future and where my path would lead me I am reminded of the moments that consisted of doubt, anxiety, and aggravation. I was in what many people would consider a really good place in life during the time I wrote this journal entry. I graduated from college with my Master’s Degree, started a business and at the age of 24 it seemed as if life was like that large slice of cake on the platter that you secretly prayed nobody else would take because it was too good, too big, too desiring for you to not experience it. And you were lucky enough to grab the whole slice for yourself.
I surely did experience a lot. And with every new experience fear found new ways to creep up inside of me and make my mind its nesting ground. Fear was like the thief in the night, the shadow in the valley of death and the suffocator of my autonomy.
It’s as if fear and worry are my best friends. They know every intricate part of me. They know the details of my life. They know what makes me mad, happy or sad. I’ve let fear in, and now I need to show fear the way out. I can’t continue to let this toxic energy reign in my life. I can’t fully function when fear is in my atmosphere, I can't breathe when fear is using up all of my energy. I feel smothered. I feel weakened. I feel depleted.
I'm normally the person who loves change, I seek it and I'm its prey. I love experiencing new seasons and meeting new people. I love being able to embrace change with open arms… I strongly believe in the power of the unknown. I love change; I love how life is lived out through seasons and not permanent moments in time.
The burden of carrying fear is like having to carry a coffin. It’s like carrying death and reminiscing about the life you once lived. Fear keeps knocking on my door, but this time I’m guarded, and I won’t let him in. I will no longer be a worrier; I choose to be a warrior. I’m removing this tint from over my eyes and clearing my vision. For too long I couldn’t see straight but now I am living with eyes wide open. For too long I was crippled, but now I dance freely. For too long I was suffocated, but now I can breathe.
Close the door on whatever hinders your growth. Fear should not be the ruler of your household. I’ve learned that as I journey if I want to give my life its best chance. I have to shut the door to fear, doubt, worry and anxiety.
Dear future self: Today I free myself from the imprisoned life fear has limited me to. Today, I have to shut the door on fear and walk into new territory. I am ready to embrace the unknown.
Written by,
Minaa B.
Photo by Milada Vigerova

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